It’s Okay Not to be Okay.

Hey sisters! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve popped on with a life update, so what better way to jump in than with full transparency. I went back and forth for months on sharing, but this platform is so much more than sharing cute clothes and coffee orders. You all have become a second family, and I’m so grateful for your love. I want to help normalize openly discussing mental health, especially in the midst of this crazy year. Before I dive too deep in, I want to remind y’all that we all have such different paths when it comes to mental health. Just remember that my experience isn’t “one size fits all” and we’re all going through our own journey.

MY JOURNEY WITH MENTAL HEALTH 

It was always my dream to have back-to-back babies. The closer in age, the better. My husband and I are a year apart from our siblings and knew we wanted our children super close as well. After having Beckham, my heart was so full. I had two healthy babies, a wonderful husband, the most supportive work family and a home full of love. We were so fortunate to have maternity and paternity leave for the next 8 weeks to really experience our little family together. I was so thankful, but quickly reminded how trying the sleepless nights and diaper blowouts could be on a mama. Now imagine that times two, as Braxton was just over a year old.

One of my biggest triggers was (and still is!) when both of my sweet boys decide to start crying at the same time.  I have all of these emotions running through my head, my heart and I just want to join in with the crying when it happens. I feel so helpless and overwhelmed, but my husband powers through it like a champ. For the longest time, he didn’t understand my frantic reaction when these situations would happen. It wasn’t the kids that were overwhelming me, but that I was already overwhelmed. The screaming is what triggered me. It made me feel like I wasn’t being the mom, the wife or the person my family needed.

I was so worried about what others might think of my struggle that I sat in silence for months. I didn’t want anyone to think I was ungrateful for the blessings I had by sharing my struggles. We had two healthy, beautiful babies and was so fortunate to be home with them and my husband for a few months. There were people wishing, praying and struggling to have what I had. We were truly so blessed, so how could I feel the way I felt? How selfish to feel overwhelmed and stressed when there were people begging God to help them have a healthy family.

FINDING MY HELP & CLARITY 

One night Mario and I were in a fleeting moment of kid-free conversation. I hesitantly opened up to him and shared the internal struggles I had been feeling, only to be greeted with the most loving response. Even though he couldn’t relate, he so respected that I was able to share. It gave him so much insight on how we, as a team, could help each other. It was so important for our parenting, for our marriage, for our family.

The next day I called my doctor and we spent an hour talking through my options. I finally embraced that I, like so many, was suffering with postpartum depression and anxiety. After hearing how “normal” this really was, the words didn’t feel so ugly or embarrassing. She selected an anxiety medicine that changed the game for my mental state and has continued to help me heal. I kept thanking my doctor for normalizing not being okay. It broke my heart to think about the people feeling how I felt and not getting the support, validation or reassurance she had gifted me.

I wanted to share my story because struggles with mental health should be talked about and normalized. We are living through one of the most stress-inducing years ever. We aren’t giving each other enough grace, credit or reassurance that it’s okay not to be okay. I couldn’t be more thankful for the people that showered me with love while I worked through the hardest parts of my anxiety and postpartum depression.  Check on your friends and family, be a listening ear and love on them with intention and purpose.

Sending you love, light and a reminder that it’s okay not to be okay.